Tim Allen Quotes and Jokes


I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.