Woody Allen Quotes and Jokes


To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.