Woody Allen Quotes and Jokes

362 quotes

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.