Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Society


You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.

It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Marriage itself is an antiquated institution, it has no place in a progressive society.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, "Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead."

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I feel today's society is so judgmental.