Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Money

57 quotes

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, fuck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go fuck yourself.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

The upper class: keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class: pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.

It's all about money, not freedom, ya'll, okay? Nothing to do with fucking freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.