Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Dogs

136 quotes

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog... The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

Then we got my dog, Duke, he’s a basset hound. Duke’s the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can’t teach that. That’s just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn’t know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That’s why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I’m like, “Duke! Mama needs some lovin’!”

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

We’ve got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they’re cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it’s like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, “That dog’s gonna have back problems right there.” No kidding! It’s got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here’s another one, Doc Obvious. That right there’s a boy dog and he’s 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.