Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Dogs

67 quotes

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog... The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."

Then we got my dog, Duke, he’s a basset hound. Duke’s the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can’t teach that. That’s just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn’t know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That’s why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I’m like, “Duke! Mama needs some lovin’!”

I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

We’ve got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they’re cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it’s like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, “That dog’s gonna have back problems right there.” No kidding! It’s got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here’s another one, Doc Obvious. That right there’s a boy dog and he’s 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, "He's back. It's that guy, that same guy." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. "Another can of food? I don't believe it."

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”
“I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.