It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Age
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
I'm in my fifties now, which is a cool age. I love being in my fifties because people gotta listen to you now; you've been around for awhile. Now, the other side of that coin is that - cause you're in your fifties - you still care what people think about you. So you kind of filter what you say. Now if that's the case, I can't wait until I'm eighty. Because eighty-year-old people don't give a damn what you think. Think about it: how many eighty-year-old people with any tact at all do you know? None! 'Cause they don't have to! They're eighty! Does Grandma hold her farts in at the dinner table? No! She doesn't have to. She's earned the right to fart at your dinner table. She'll fart at the pearly gates on her way to meet sweet Jesus.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
I'm going to be fifty this year. Soon I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.