Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Help

32 quotes

Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night...

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.