Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Babies

47 quotes

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?