Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Dating

105 quotes

My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t even know who Ginuwine is.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.