Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Dating

105 quotes

My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t even know who Ginuwine is.

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you are like ‘that’s cause you were homeschooled’.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.