Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sport

28 quotes

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

Sports fans eat shit.

Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.