I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sport
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.