Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Gifts

17 quotes

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

For me, the best Valentine’s Day gifts don’t cost anything because they come straight from the heart. That’s why I composed a special Valentine’s Day poem for you, my audience. “Roses are red, love’s but a fable. I’m really sorry you can’t afford cable.”

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.