Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Cars

38 quotes

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'

You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

All birds masturbate. Yeah, you thought that was shit on your car.

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.