Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Questions

67 quotes

"I'm a gangsta, and gangstas don't ask questions." Yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster. "Hey, muthafucka, where's my money?" That's a question. "Do you want to die tonight?" That's a question too. "What? What?" That's two questions.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?

Wow. That's a good question. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer?

You can't say minimum wage to people when they're asking you questions. "What are you making now?" "Minimum wage. Yeah. Lowest amount legally possible. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Oh, they'd like to pay me less. But they can't. Legally they can't. I win! I'm the winner!"

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

When they turn 26, women start asking really weird questions like, "Where are we? Where are we?" Bitch, we at Red Lobster. Why you tripping?