Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Hate

50 quotes

Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.

And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

I hate thin people; "Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?"