Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Family
I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.