Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Family

39 quotes

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."

We can choose our family. We can’t choose our relatives.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."