Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Politics

95 quotes

Liberals will buy anything a bigot writes. In fact, they really support hate mongers. George Lincoln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party is probably a very knowledgeable businessman with no political convictions what so ever. He gets three bucks a head and works the mass rallies consisting of nothing but angry Jews, shaking their fists and wondering why there are so many Jews there. And Rockwell probably has only two real followers - and they're deaf. They think the swastika is merely an Aztec symbol.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I’m Secretary of State next month!"

Political views divide faster than marriages.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.