Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Truth

34 quotes

Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.

Let me tell you the truth. The truth is what is, and what should be is a fantasy. A terrible, terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.

The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.