Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Prostitutes

14 quotes

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

You’re so beautiful like a tree or a high class prostitute.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It's like ordering a pizza." Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza... I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it's never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.