Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Brain

58 quotes

There's this critical point where you've stayed single for too long and your brain switches from 'You know, maybe I shouldn't say that.' to 'Eh, fuck it, say it, see what happens.'

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.