Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Diapers

11 quotes

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

Smoking takes ten years off your life. Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright?

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.

The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns.

There’s just something about when kids do something, it’s always going to be funny, because kids grow up. Nobody doesn’t grow up, and whatever you do as a kid usually isn’t considered amazing when you’re an adult. A baby changing its own diaper, you’d be like, “That baby is a fucking genius.” But when he’s 27, you’re like, “He shouldn’t be wearing diapers anymore.”

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.

I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...