Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Neighborhood

46 quotes

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, "What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness".

You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block. We've all driven past it. A bunch of people living there, too old to be kids, but never gonna be adults... You can tell that by the "AEROSMITH ROCKS" banner in the living room window... Four sociopathic pitbulls roaming the yard at all times... The brown one has one leg, just flops to the fence every couple of hours... You can tell when the family's doubled their net worth 'cause they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway... The mailman's afraid to bring the mail, so he just gives it to the cops, 'cause hell, they're gonna be there anyway... And if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood, you live in this house in your neighborhood.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.