Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Christmas

96 quotes

What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine - because I got her an Xbox.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'