Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Celebrities

27 quotes

Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.

This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.