Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!

You gotta figure being deaf cant be that bad. It's gotta have a positive side to it. Say you have a girlfriend. No, say you have my ex girlfriend. She's giving you shit, you don't know. All he sees is (animated movements) and all he thinks is "She's so beautiful when she dances. So much passion"

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

Everything that people say is testable.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."