If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s... because you are going to die alone.
Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.
Other quotes by Donald Glover
I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.
An elephant never forgets, so my dick remembers everything.
Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'
Yes I'm grown and sexy, and I'm worth the wait. Girls act like I'm the only dude on earth to date.
We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.
It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Careers very rarely are a waste of time; jobs usually are.
We're afraid to move on, that's why there's so much nostalgia on the internet... 'cause we don't wanna look forward, that's scary.