Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Other quotes by Doug Stanhope
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.
'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!