Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
Other quotes by Ray Romano
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
If a guy’s ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he’ll just break down and cry. He knows you know.
I feel very privileged that I am able to do something. All of us saw the images on TV and we said we can send money but we still wanted to contribute more.
It’s hard to idolize a ballplayer when you're forty and he’s, let’s say, twenty-one. How can I be yelling “You da man!” when he da kid?
He missed a shot and got frustrated and accidentally hit himself on the head with his own putter and needed stitches on the course. It was hysterical. He continued playing. He didn't get hurt. It wasn't serious.
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.