Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you.

I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.

NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"!

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘"That is cool".’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "‘That is not cool"’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work.