Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 14

He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me... and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, 'Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.'

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fuckin' do that.

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

I have a five-gallon jar at my house I like to fill with change. I don't stop 'til I reach tip-top and that little bell goes off, and I know Cargo Pant Day is here at last, and I dance. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt - extra tight because I don't want to have an embarrassing situation on such a great day - and I fill up all the pockets with the change. Then I get a car alarm - not a car alarm with a car, just a car alarm - and I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, 'Hey, you got any spare change?' Then, I set the car alarm off: 'You hit the jackpot, mofo!'

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.