Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins - not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.'

Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

Kurds are the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. "We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!"

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.

I lost my virginity junior year of college, I was 21… I was awkward, and I was raised Jehovah’s Witness so I thought sex was bad, I thought I was going to go to hell, and get AIDS immediately.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.