Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29
I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.
They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that. "You want some more home made sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to pick up women.
After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.
For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In the South, they don't mind how close I get, as long as I don't get too big. In the North, they don't mind how big I get, as long as I don't get too close.