Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

Liberals will buy anything a bigot writes. In fact, they really support hate mongers. George Lincoln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party is probably a very knowledgeable businessman with no political convictions what so ever. He gets three bucks a head and works the mass rallies consisting of nothing but angry Jews, shaking their fists and wondering why there are so many Jews there. And Rockwell probably has only two real followers - and they're deaf. They think the swastika is merely an Aztec symbol.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon..."

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.