Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."

If someone asks you if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no. They want to touch you. If someone asks you if you're ticklish and you do not want to be touched, say something like 'I have diarrhea. And yes, I am very ticklish.'

I, ah... this abortion issue in the States is dividing the country right in half. You know, and even amongst my friends - we're all highly intelligent - they're totally divided on the issue of abortion. Totally divided. Some of my friends think these pro-life people are just annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna have a consensus? I'm torn. I try and take the broad view and think of them as evil, annoying fucks.

To me nature is… spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating… It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

There's this critical point where you've stayed single for too long and your brain switches from 'You know, maybe I shouldn't say that.' to 'Eh, fuck it, say it, see what happens.'

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.