Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 14

225 quotes

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

When I'm sick I don't shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.

No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.

A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."