Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.