Quotes & Jokes by Bob Saget / page 10

152 quotes

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

Norm MacDonald. Norm, you're the funniest man I know. Because these are the other people that I know.

My book editor asked me if I wanted an extension and I told him, it's okay, I'm happy with the length of my penis.

Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house." and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

When you have a good time there is no time.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.