Quotes & Jokes by Carlos Mencia / page 5
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I'm sitting down, and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I'm not crying. And then they go, "Excuse me, sir, why aren't you crying, sir?" I'm like, "'Cause I read the book, bitch. Keep bothering me, and I'll ruin the ending".
God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.
I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope.
That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!
When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.
You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.
Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!
I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orleans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?
I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
What you have to do is be honest with who you are. Find that thing inside of you that is you and be that. Don't lie and don't perpetrate. I am sick and tired of ugly bitches that wear shirts that say, 'Cutey.'
What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!