Quotes & Jokes by Chris Rock / page 12

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.

Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

Is it just me, or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga! Please!"

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go "What did I say?!" I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go "Eww, that was mean."

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.