D. L. Hughley Quotes and Jokes


They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.

You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."

That's sort of a silly question. Day 15 is too soon, but Day 16 is all right?

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

There is always one person in the office that you want to whip their ass! If you don't know who it is, it is probably you.

They had this movie called Juno about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and it's nominated for an Oscar. That's an unusual experience for me, 'cause when a black girl gets pregnant it ain't no Oscar. It's social work and a box of condoms is what that is.

Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."

I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

The one thing women love more than money is power.

No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.