Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 19

294 quotes

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.

If life begins at conception, but you can be "born again" later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

The average permanent lasts about four months.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Where is the good will in the thought, "I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"