George Carlin Quotes and Jokes

507 quotes

Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter.

I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.