George Carlin Quotes and Jokes


I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter.

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.