Quotes & Jokes by Jim Jefferies
The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.
Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”
Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.
If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
The Bible’s too wordy. The 10 Commandments are a load of shit. You don’t need all these things. The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try not to be a cunt.’
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!
Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.