Louis C. K. Quotes and Jokes


I'm not an atheist. I think god is there and that he is watching and he made us. I just don't give a shit. I don't "believe in god." I have zero idea how everything got here. I would personally say that, if i had to make a list of possibles, God would be pretty far down. But if I were to make a list of people that know what the fuck they are talking about, I would be really far down.

You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!

I've never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? My whole life! That's weird to me. It is! It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick, when you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women and they suck dicks. Then there's all the gay guys who suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances. So there's only like a thousand of us out there who never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin' gettin' blown and not blowin' back, you know.

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fuckin' do that.

We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."

It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. Rape isn't up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude.

I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?

Look, it's some cunt coming out of that cunt's cunt.

I'm pretty sure 100% of animal sex is rape. It's just all rape.

One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, "You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment?" And I thought about it, and I said, "You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.

I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.

Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."