Quotes & Jokes by Natasha Leggero

31 quotes

Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”

I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’

Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

I don’t see the point of watching men exercise.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It’s like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That’s the new American dream.

The more developed your abs, the less time you’ve spent reading.