Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.