Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.

I people-please everyone but myself.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.