Quotes & Jokes by Rita Rudner
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.