Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

425 quotes

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.