Quotes & Jokes by Russell Peters

25 quotes

I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"

Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".

I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "

People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"

Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."

Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos* - ka ching, ka ching, ka ch-ch-ch-ching. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians".

The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.

As a guy who grew up with Black people, I know the N-word is not specific to people. It’s a fucking noun. It is used for everything else but people. It’s not specific to black people. <br /> I see my friends. They’ll be like, “Yo Russell, I seen you with some Chinese n*ggers last night.”... <br /> My homeboy called me, was like, “Yo, you gotta put on Discovery Channel, son They got this shit on killer whales. Yo, those n*ggers are crazy!”

I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China I’m Shaquille O’Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I’m like, “Hey, you got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?”<br /> “Ah no! How about an 8?”<br /> “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?”

They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were on a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school.You were blind, you went to my school.You were deaf, you were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school. My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.

Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.

In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.

Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the yard looks bigger.

I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'

People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!