Quotes & Jokes by Todd Barry
I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.
I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”
Every time I talk about Chipotle in conversation, someone goes, “Oh, Chipotle is delicious. Can you believe they were started by McDonald’s?” Uh, McDonald’s is delicious, so yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park.
I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?
I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house
I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including “Who shot J.R.?”, “Where’s the beef?” and “Why would you think I’d want to know that?” OK, maybe not “Where’s the beef?” Because she might answer that one.
I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
That guy who manages the vegetarian restaurant got a pretty severe haircut.
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.